“What’s Wrong?” “Nothing.”
Jerry owned hotels and warehouses. As a hands-on owner, he left home early and came back late. After his divorce, Jerry realized that he should have recognized his wife’s unexpressed conflict. Often when he came back, his ex-wife would be quiet and ignore him. The conversation would be something like:
Jerry: “what’s wrong?”
Jane: “Nothing.”
Jerry: “Why are you so quiet?”
Jane: “You should know.”
Jerry: “I should know what?”
Jane: “I am not telling.”
In this circular dialog, one of them needs to propose to move the conversation forward. Conflict at work or in personal life doesn’t just come from nowhere. All conflicts build up in stages.
Stages Of Conflict
Problem Recognition
Most good negotiators recognize general interest issues; some or all of these, are quickly addressed. However, if the problems are arousing interpersonal emotions, then most likely, the next stage of conflict has already been reached.
Dispute
In this stage, the conflict has all the signs of being out of control. Parties will bring up out of context issues to avoid negotiating. The conflict may even get escalated and need help from others.
Help
This stage involves informal or formal intervention. A third-party may try to moderate, to get the discussion started again. Non-binding arbitration is an example of this stage.
Flight or Fight
Here the “squabble” has begun. People are arguing viciously, making sarcastic comments to score points, interrupting not listening, and the meeting boils down to an attack and defends exercise. Parties no longer trust each other and are thinking of terminating the relationship or taking actions to hurt the others. The relationship is in jeopardy when this happens.
The Conflict Cycle
The absence of communication perpetuates the conflict. Without trust and a feeling of safety, people will not talk to the others. Individuals in this stage often use ‘principles,’ ‘rights’ or ‘faith’ as justification for their position. Now, the conflict can be extremely challenging to resolve.